No Payne, Know Pain

Pairs well with: "Conquer Me" by Blues Traveler and "Come As You Are" by Nirvana

So, I work out at the Payne Center.  For anyone unfamiliar with Hattiesburg (specifically USM) this is the workout facility on the campus of Southern Miss.  It's really quite spectacular!  There's an indoor pool (that I never use), indoor courts for volleyball, raquetball & handball (that I never use), 5 or 6 indoor basketball courts (that I never use), a handful of classrooms for group exercise (that I never use), an indoor track (that I rarely use), a couple of locker rooms located on each level with showers, lockers, towels, etc. (that I never use) and the cardio/weight wing (which is the only place you'll find me, if you're ever looking). In case you were wondering, I work out here now because I live so close to campus and the alumni fees are super cheap even if you don't use half of the amenities.

Just as much as I did when I was a student at USM, I love this time of year.  There's hope & anticipation & excitement for the coming year.  The football team is about to take the field for their first game (God help us), sorority & fraternity rush is going on, roommates are meeting for the first time, fall is in the air... and it's the beginning of a brand new school year, so the gym is - of course - packed with the coeds.  In past years I would typically be overcome with nostalgia and grin at the young girls wearing their Tri-Delta party shirts or giggle at the meat heads sporting their PIKE tank tops as they wandered leisurely through the P.C. more interested in seeing who's there than actually breaking a sweat.

This year, however, I'm feeling a little different.  Maybe it's because just this last month when I went to renew my membership & pay my dues, the young student worker immediately asked if my membership was "Staff/Faculty"?   What?!  I can't even pass for possibly being a graduate student anymore?  When I snapped right back at her young, skinny, wrinkle-free ass with a reply of, "No.  Alumni." she immediately apologized with a "Sorry Ma'am."

I picked my lip up out of the dirt and walked slowly upstairs, got on an elliptical machine facing the 12 big flat-screen TV's (which, of course, weren't there when I was in school because flat screens didn't even exist.  We were still drawing pictures on the walls of our cave as we hid from the dinosaurs) and suddenly saw a gym full of children in a very different light.  That, of course, got me to thinking about how I acted & behaved back when I was one of these "children" at USM.

First of all, I proudly sported my Delta Delta Delta sorority letters across my chest on my shirt/sweatshirt.  The young vixens of 2013 advertise them on their butts.  On mini shorts.  Thank goodness that wasn't the craze when I was here.  My fascination with the Moonlight Breakfast line (on Mondays) and Mexican line (on Wednesdays) at the Commons cafeteria would have made it quite difficult for me to look cute with 3 giant, stretchy triangles stretched across my booty.

Secondly, I wasn't ever checking my email (especially on a cell phone) as I ran on the treadmill or marched upright on a stairmaster.  That's because when I moved into USM as an innocent, naive 17 year old I received an SS BOX at the Hub student union -- not an email address, which is what every student receives today.  I still remember mine.  Southern Station Box 7776.  I vividly remember walking, every day, in to the Hub to see if I had any mail waiting for me.  My sweet Maw Maw used to write me a letter about once a month & always stuck a $10 bill in there for me to go get myself a hamburger (I never had the guts to tell her I always used it for Milwaukee's Best Light instead).  Do these kids even get real, snail mail anymore?    Do they still receive an SS Box?  Why do I feel an odd connection to the kid opening up SS Box 7776 this semester?

Don't even get me started talking about the difference in what's playing on the stereo that's blaring throughout the P.C.  Let me let you decide....
MY day:  Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews Band, Widespread Panic, Nirvana, The Cranberries, Blues Traveler, The Cure, Jane's Addiction, Phish, 10,000 Maniacs, Smashing Pumpkins, REM, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Radiohead, Foo Fighters, Metallica.  And the list could go on & on.
TODAY:  Justin Beiber.  'Nuff said, right?

I recognize that I'm being pretty hard on these kids.  I was, by no means, perfect when I was here, either.  As a matter of fact, there are quite a few things that I would go back and change in a heartbeat.

First, I'd go to a few more of my Accounting 101 classes.  It sucked when I took it my junior year because it was at the dreaded Tuesday/Thursday 8 - 9:15 am time slot.  That should be against the rules.  But it's not and because I only attended Day 1, got the syllabus, and then only showed up for test days for the remainder of the semester, I ended up with a D.  Please note it is the one & only D I received in my 4.5 years at USM, and I really do still have nightmares about it.  My nightmares increased in frequency & severity a few years ago after I attended a Hattiesburg friend's wedding.  That's because of who sat directly in front of me during the ceremony - my Accounting 101 professor, Patty Polk!  I almost had a stroke right then & there.  I thought, for sure, I was on Candid Camera.  I did not know beforehand that Patty's daughter is also a good friend of the bride (my friend) and all these gals grew up together, thick as thieves, here in Hattiesburg --- with my Sarah. WHAT?!  After a few free drinks at the reception, my sweet, darling Sarah thought it would be so fun to introduce Patty & me.  She made it clear to Patty that I knew her, but she did not, in any way, know me nor should she recognize me.  I believe it was then that I had another mild stroke.  I still see Patty at social functions here in town & she's always so gracious & friendly.  And I revert back to the embarrassed, loser D student. My mom was less than impressed with my explanation of the absences along with my final grade.

Another thing I'd change, or maybe just not do, would be:  breaking into the football stadium one Saturday night after a big home victory.  To do what?  I don't know.  But I did it, along with a couple of friends.  And it was fun and rebellious and exciting until I decided that the best way out of the stadium was by climbing on top of a Coke truck and jumping over the fence.  The next day, at Urgent Care, as I was getting an X-Ray on my twisted ankle I realized that maybe I should have just exited the way I went in...through an open gate.  My mom wasn't too thrilled to receive that phone call from me, either.

Then, there was the time that Aimee, Alice, Jennifer & I drove to Colorado for Spring Break.  We had a great place to stay (somebody's uncle's condo in Crested Butte, CO) but no leftover money for anything else.  Or so we thought.  After driving through 7 states to get to our final destination, we arrived in the gorgeous snow-covered mountains of Colorado and immediately decided that, if necessary, we'd sell a kidney or donate some plasma in order to get the money to go skiing.  We found a great deal on ski rentals & set out in our blue jeans and mediocre coats for a day on the slopes.  I was the only one in the group who had never been skiing, but according to Aimee since I was "athletic" I didn't need to worry with ski school.  I was to just follow their lead and I'd be fine & would catch on quickly.  I should have known that when I knocked a grown man on top of me just trying to get on the ski lift that I was in trouble. The next thing I remember is being skiied down the mountain in some kind "sled-thing" by a mountain EMT.  He told me to lay down, cross my arms over my chest, close my eyes and hold on.  Holy shiznit.  I had injured my ACL about 45 seconds in to our first run down the mountain and this scary ride was the only thing that could have taken my mind off the pain in my knee.  I ended up in a full leg brace & on crutches for 3 months.  That was a fun ride home, let me tell you.  My mom was annoyed & irritated to receive that phone call from me, too.

One night I'd like to not only change, but maybe forget altogether, would be the night I chipped my front tooth.  In half.  On my best friend Lauren's car windshield.  Klassy Kim.  We were going to JD's bar, so while getting ready I had enjoyed a few Milwaukee's Best Lights in my dorm room (I was still living on the Tri-Delta floor in Panhellenic, the sorority dorm).  After dressing in my baggy jeans, flannel shirt & hiking boots I went downstairs to wait for Lauren & Becky to come pick me up.  As soon as I saw Lauren's Audi pull up to the dorm I jumped up out of my seat on the bench in front of the building & kinda did a wave-jump-dance.  I, obviously,  had so much beer in me...I mean, so much enthusiasm for the fun evening ahead that my momentum carried me in to the windshield of the moving vehicle.   It hurt real bad.  But I shook it off, hopped in the backseat & immediately wondered what was making my chewing gum so crunchy?!  If you're ever looking for a new, interesting conversation starter when you're going out -- let me tell you a chipped tooth is it!!   My mom was irate to receive that phone call from me.  I remember holding the phone away from my ear & still being able to hear her - loud & clear - yell about money spent & braces & foolishness.  I think she quit answering my phone calls after that.

For every one of these events that I would go back & change, there are a hundred more that I wouldn't touch.  I had a wonderful run at USM and have no shortage of fond memories of my time there.  My waistline, pocketbook & even sometimes my grades reflected my preference for a party instead of class. My contacts list on both my cell phone & my email address book is filled with names, addresses & phone numbers of dear friends I made there and still keep in touch with today.  It's hard to believe it's already been 20+ years since I was there as a student.  And, even though I'm turning 40 this year, living here in Hattiesburg - this adorable little college town - really helps to keep me young.  At heart.  Even if my daily workout breaks my heart.

Regardless of where you went to school or how long ago it was that you attended class, is there anything that you know, without a doubt, you'd change?  What would you do differently?  Please share.  And help me feel better about my fake front tooth.