Isn't She Lovely?

I couldn’t even begin to guess how many times I’ve explained how Sarah & I came up with the names of our boys.  We knew that we wanted to stick with family names, so it was an easy decision to name our first-born twins, Nolan – after my grandmother, Mary Nolan Cantrell, and Becker – after Sarah’s grandmother, Jane Becker Heidelberg.  It was an easy decision because both Sarah & I were especially close to these women.  It was an easy decision because we couldn’t be happier to honor them & let the world know just how important they were in each of our lives.  It was our way of letting them and their spirit and their memory live on forever in a really cool & sweet (and southern) kind of way.  <Kelly was also an easy decision and to anyone who doesn’t already know Kelly is my sister’s name, and Tanner is the maiden name of Sarah’s very special grandmother, “Othermom.”>  But, I usually can’t just end the answer there. I always go one step further to ensure the interviewer understands that Mary Nolan Cantrell wasn’t just a grandma that I was especially close to, but my most favorite person in the entire world.  If a magic genie were to grant me the one wish tonight to have dinner with anyone of my choosing it would without-a-doubt be with my Maw Maw Mary. 

Recently, when I was explaining this to my new friend, Betty (she is Cati’s mother-in-law and was part of Team Diamond Stone), she surprised me by probing further.  “What made her your most favorite person?” she asked as we walked the streets of Atlanta.  I immediately smiled & thought how adorable it was that this peppy, vivacious grandmother (to one Miss Leah Diamond Stone) wanted to know the “secret” that my own grandmother knew.  I’m not exactly sure how I answered her question.  There are a thousand and one ways that my grandma was unique.  There are another thousand and one ways that she loved me and made me feel special and important and significant.  I could answer that very same question every day for a month and probably give you a different answer every day.

The key to my learning here is this: there are no “Cliff’s Notes” to being good at this parenting (or grandparenting) gig.  There’s no absolute right or wrong way to do a lot of things (although I will say that it’s probably wrong to give all three of your toddlers ice cream at 7:30 pm when they’re supposed to go to bed at 8 pm.  I, unfortunately, learned that the hard way last night – when I was home alone with them!).  And, as I have learned through my own grandmother, it’s not necessarily the things you do (or the gifts you give or the trips you take, etc.).  Rather, it’s how you do them.  My grandma made everything fun and made me feel like I was the center of the universe.  And, she did this from her modest 3 bedroom home in Kenner.  The same home that housed her husband and SIX children.  The same home that had one long dinner table in the kitchen (not a formal dining room) and about two dozen chairs – cause it was never just us family sitting down to dinner.  She always had more than enough food for anyone who stopped in to visit or for anyone needing a place to stay or for anyone who was just hungry.  We always ate till our bellies were full, but no fine china or silver were needed in our feast.  Maw Maw made me feel like the most important girl in the world every time I walked in the room.  Her eyes always lit up, she always acknowledged me – even when I was the littlest and/or youngest in the bunch, she always had time to talk and listen to me, and she always, always, always remembered what was going on in my life.  (I would bet that if you asked any one of my cousins about TJ, they’d tell you the exact same thing.  That’s just how good she was!).  And, that’s not just a good grandma, that’s a good friend.  I was so immensely blessed to have her in my life for 32 years.

Mary Nolan Cantrell (whom I, also, adoringly called Maw Maw and TJ) died in 2006.  I was privileged to have the opportunity to speak at her memorial service.  Below is exactly what I said to the friends & family who gathered together to pay tribute to my most favorite person in the entire world.  (Please remember that I was living in Atlanta at the time & none of my boys were even born yet.  She’s now up to 14 great-grandchildren!!)

Today I Am Thankful For:  Mary Nolan Cantrell

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is the meaning of success.”

-       Ralph Waldo Emerson

My name is Kim and I am the third of 16 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren born to Mary Nolan Cantrell.  I am up here today – speaking to all of you about my Maw Maw – because I don’t think it’s enough to just love someone.  You’ve got to tell them how much you love them.  And I know that I did that with TJ.  Since I live out of town, I was not fortunate enough to physically be with her a lot in her last days; however, as often as I could I called & I made sure my mom or an aunt relayed my message of love to her.  On the days when I did not get to speak to my family, I always kept my grandmother close to my heart and my mind.  And I was forever talking to her in my mind, letting her know I was thinking of her & hoping she was having a good day & feeling well.  Today, though, I feel compelled to tell the world – all of you – how much I love her and how much she means to me and just how much I learned from her in the 32 years I had with her.

Anyone who met or knew my grandmother will undoubtedly have a wonderful story to share.  She was the kindest woman I’ve ever met.  She had a laugh that was infectious, a smile that I will never, ever forget.  She loved her family, her friends, good food & a good time.  It was in those moments that we were having the most fun that I learned the most from my grandma.  She leaves behind a legacy of individuals who will not only remember HER, but we’ll remember the lessons she taught us.  She taught me lessons as a child that I take with me now in to the grown-up world I live & work in.

Lessons like how to be innovative.  One day when I was at Maw Maw’s I got the craving for s’mores.  This is a camping staple that my mom introduced me to – subtracting the camp fire & adding a microwave.  We’d use graham crackers, marshmallows and a piece of chocolate and zap it for a few seconds till it was melted and delicious.  The day I was at Maw Maw’s and asked her if we could make s’mores she did not hesitate for one second and immediately answered, “Well, of course we can.”  20 minutes later I was staring at a plate of saltine crackers and marshmallows broiled on top and calling them s’mores.  As I said, TJ was innovative when she needed to be.  And, in case you were wondering, they were delicious! 

Another lesson I learned was how to multi-task.  How did she teach me that lesson, you ask?  Have you ever witnessed someone watch over 6 bingo cards, drink from a Miller Lite pony bottle & smoke a cigarette all at the same time?  And never miss a beat?  I didn’t think so.

I also learned about patience and that it’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.  I learned to be patient and accept defeat because I never once beat TJ at Yahtzee or Scrabble.  EVER.  Even after a night of marathon Yahtzee playing – a night when we’d have to lay a towel on the table to roll the dice on so we wouldn’t wake Paw Paw up – she never felt sorry for me or LET me win. 

Another invaluable lesson I learned was how to share.  I guess you’d figure that would be a forced issue since my grandma’s house was always packed with people.  Whether it was her own 6 children, some of us grandchildren or just friends or other family members, there was always someone hanging around.  As a child I remember spending the night at Maw Maw & Paw Paw’s house and getting to sleep in-between the two of them in their giant king-sized bed.  I felt so safe and slept so soundly – until Paw Paw would get up at the crack of dawn to go to work at the railroad and need his coffee and breakfast.  Spoons would start rattling – his on the side of his coffee cup and Maw Maw’s on the side of the bowl that was mixing together the ingredients for homemade biscuits.  I don’t know how old I was before I realized you could buy biscuits in a can at the grocery store and just pop them in the oven.  TJ always made them herself.  Well, as a young girl there was nothing that piqued my curiosity more than that dough and how fun it looked to play with it.  One of the first mornings I experienced the biscuit making first hand, Maw Maw must have noticed me eyeing her as she was kneading away at the dough, so she offered up a handful.  JUST FOR ME!  She let me help.  And with no expectations or instructions other than to have fun and enjoy the quiet of the morning – before the noise of the day set in.  From that point on, making biscuits with TJ in the early morning hours on Kenner Avenue was one of my favorite things to do – and look forward to – with her.

The most important lesson I learned, though, is that of unconditional love.  My grandma didn’t judge, didn’t question, and didn’t make you work to earn her love & affection.  She just offered it up, freely, with no questions asked.  In a world that can be very lonely and very scary, a world filled with close-minded & judgmental people, I cannot tell you the comfort that a smile, a hug & kiss, and a kind word from someone who loves you just because you’re you can offer.  I cannot tell you the strength you can find in even the softest of hands.  Whether it was in the midst of chaos & noise on Christmas Eve when she prepared a full meal of family favorites for ALL OF US or in the quiet of an early morning, making homemade biscuits, I found solace in her eyes, in her humming a song, in her absolute presence.  My grandma is the personification of unconditional love.

The last time I saw TJ was just a few months ago.  She was in the hospital and I drove in town for the weekend, just to see her.  In the hours I spent with her that weekend, I studied her face, looked in her eyes, held her hand; I told her how much she meant to me and how she helped make me the person that I am today, and – at 32 years old – I crawled up in the bed with her and laid next to her just like I did as a little girl.  I laid next to a frail, weak frame of a body that still – at 84 – was home to a heart & soul as strong as ever.  If Emerson’s definition of success is “to know one life breathed easier because you lived” then my grandmother, my Maw Maw, my TJ is the most successful person I know.  There are more lives that breathe easier because of her.  I know I do. 

xoxo,

Kim