“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” - Dr. Seuss

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending – Maria Robinson

There’s a funny commercial that aired during the Superbowl a few years ago advertising monster.com (which is a website dedicated to helping job seekers find their ideal job).  The commercial shows a series of children making different “When I Grow Up” statements that are absolutely hilarious.  “When I grow up I want to claw my way up to middle management.”  “When I grow up I want to have a brown nose.” And, the statement that literally spoke to me: “When I grow up I want to be a yes man.”

For the greater portion of my life, I was a yes (wo)man.  I spent 26 years being what & who everyone else wanted me to be.  As a child, I made straight A’s, followed the rules, said please & thank you and never broke curfew – all because I had to be the perfect daughter.  That neurotic & exhausting behavior followed me out of my parent’s house in to my college dorm where I had to be the best friend, then to work to be the best employee, etc.  All the while, I was going through the motions of being someone I was not.  I felt like I was changing masks not daily – but hourly.  I did this for so long, without even thinking about it because it just seemed the right thing to do.  I had never rocked the boat or gone against the norm, so it was unfathomable to me to attempt it.  But, at the age of 26, something snapped and I made a life-altering decision that changed the game for good.

Just a short 12 years ago, my life was quite different than it is today.  From the outside looking in, it seemed as if I had the world in the palm of my hands.  I had everything you’d expect should make someone happy:  a nice house, a great job, money in the bank, vacations every year, a companion who was kind & generous, a future that was promising in every way. I mean, it was perfect, right?!

Well, as difficult as it may be to understand, life was far from perfect for me.  Inside me, down in my soul, there was a longing, a nagging emptiness that had been growing stronger & more hollow as the days/months/years passed.  I had spent my entire life living up to expectations I felt that everyone had of me.  I would make decisions based on what I thought I was supposed to do – not what I wanted to do.  I was incomplete.  I was so lonely & incredibly sad.  A part of me was hurt & disappointed in the people I had been living for; the same people whose expectations drove the decisions I made for my life.  Why didn’t they realize what I feeling?  Why didn’t they know that I was hurting?  I was literally begging for someone to recognize it and say it out loud.  Desperate for someone to say it’s OK, and you’re OK and life is going to be OK.    

But, that never happened.  So I kept on going through the motions.  I literally put time lines on everything.  I would tell myself, “Get to the Christmas holidays.  They always make you feel better.”  And, then, “Hang on till the ski trip.  You’ll love that!  You will feel so much happier” And, finally, “Run the marathon.  That will distract you.”  These diversions only lasted for so long. 

It wasn’t until the day (when I was home alone & had been crying) I went into the bathroom to wash my face & looked in the mirror that I decided to do something.  I didn’t even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror.  That person was not the Kim I was destined to be.  At that moment, that life-altering & precious moment, I made the first decision for me.  It was the first time I had ever put my wants & needs before everyone else’s.  And it was the most empowering moment – and decision – I have ever experienced.  Knowing I had finally mustered up the courage to live life for me freed me from the chains that had held me down for so long.

Now, let me make this clear: the decision to come out as gay did not come without pain & hurt.  Life did not magically become a beautiful bed of roses (and rainbows) with Ellen DeGeneres & Melissa Etheridge knocking on my door.  My family was initially hurt & confused.  The precious person to whom I had committed my life was absolutely devastated & sad.  Some friends were upset & felt betrayed.  It took a lot of heart-to-heart conversations that were often difficult & emotional.  And, it took time.  But, as it always does, life goes on.  And things got better.  I wish I could say to you that I didn’t lose some friends along the way, but I did.  I wish I could say that some of the people I counted on the most weren’t the ones who broke my heart the most, but they were.  But, that’s OK.  That was all a part of their journey.  I have remained steadfast in my decision. 

This life is mine & mine alone.  I am so glad I realized how profound that statement is before my life totally passed me by.  Just think about what all I would have missed out on if I hadn’t…I wouldn’t have Sarah & my 3 boys, I wouldn’t have the countless new friends I’ve made since coming out, I wouldn’t have a special story to share with others feeling scared, lonely or confused, and most importantly – I wouldn’t be me.  The me that is absolutely happy, content & comfortable in my own skin today.  

What I am the most thankful for today and every day I wake up is this: the life I am living today.  It is the way that it is because of me.  And no one else.  Yes, there were many dear, special friends who helped me through tough times & encouraged me & stood by me.  But it was solely the courage & desire to LIVE that brought me here. 

And you – you reading this – you have that much power, too.  We each have the unyielding strength to literally change the course of our lives in just a moment, in a decision. 

Now your life changing decision probably won’t include a closet like mine did.  It might, however, involve an unhealthy or abusive relationship.  Maybe it involves a dead-end job.  It could be about losing weight, going back to work, starting your own business, picking up a new hobby.  Whatever it is, you have to know that you and you alone are strong enough and smart enough and courageous enough to do it & persevere.  If I did it, then you can, too. 

One of my favorite words is AUTHENTIC.  If you look it up in the dictionary, you’ll find: “1.not false or copied; genuine and original, as opposed to being a fake or reproduction.”  How cool is that?  So cool, in fact, that authenticity is a trait or quality that I admire the most in others & strive daily to remain committed to myself.  Because at the end of the day, even though I have faced challenges & struggles; even though I’ve lost friends who couldn’t accept the real me; even though the world is still trying to test my patience & forgiveness (by continuing to allow politicians & so-called religious leaders to demean me & my precious family) – I can & will get through it because I am living my life honestly. 

And that’s it.  That's what I am most thankful for every single day.  It's the story of how I got to where I am today, but I can promise you this – I am not done yet.  I’ve still got a lot of living to do and a lot to accomplish in that time.  I’m trying to change the world one person at a time. 

 And tonight I’m going to start with the three little guys calling my name from the play room. 

My challenge to you:  Go be.  And be whoever you are.  Just be you.

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

xoxo,

Kim

PS – if you or someone you know is being bullied because you're/they're gay or if you or someone you know is having a hard time, is feeling depressed, is considering suicide because you're/they’re gay or lesbian please inform them of the "It Gets Better Project".  It's an AMAZING campaign spreading hope to countless individuals who absolutely need to hear & believe: It Does Get Better. 

Check out their website:  www.itgetsbetter.org but don’t forget the tissue.  You’re definitely going to need it.

Random Musings

Random Musings for which I am Thankful:

"It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery and as much happiness as possible."

1.    Atlanta – Where the playas play!  It’s the birthplace of all 3 boys; where Sarah & I bought our first home together; where Sarah & I still own that home (so if you know anyone in the market to buy a house give me a call!  I’ll make you a deal you can’t refuse!); the best grocery in all the land: Trader Joe’s; the dive bar El Myr & their steak & mushroom quesadilla accompanied by a PBR draft in an ice cold mug; the bustling Six Feet Under, overlooking Oakland Cemetery, & their fish tacos; the quaint Taqueria del Sol & just about everything they serve on their menu including a margarita on the rocks with salt; IKEA; Stone Mountain park; our neighborhood: East Atlanta & the EAV; The Gravity Pub; Thai Sushi in the EAV; Charis bookstore; Oakhurst neighborhood & The U Joint; Emory University & their still undefeated football team; Fellini’s pizza; Piedmont Park; the Atlanta Pride festival; the Jennifer Nettles Band (before Jennifer Nettles was ½ of Sugarland); Outkast; The Tabernacle (where, yes, I stood in the rain to see Justin Timberlake); The Indigo Girls; The WNBA team: The Atlanta Dream; our annual Christmas In The Cove party; The Dogwood Festival; "Staycation" with Donna & Jes

2.    Food Network holiday specials – I am a year-round Food Network fan, but my adoration is elevated ten-fold during the holidays.  The whole gang: Rachel, Bobby, Ina, Paula & Giada kept me sane during 7 weeks of bed rest during the months of November & December 2008.  I was “cooking” two little boys as I watched my friends whip up cookies and cocktails and entrées, Oh My!  And, I have to admit that even Sandra Lee’s ridiculous kitchen decorations are easier to tolerate during the holidays.

3.    Days off during the week (unplanned) - that include a nap in the rain (not literally sleeping out in the rain, but comfy in my bed as it rains outside) even if a snoring boy snoozing next to me interrupts said nap and a workout – all before 5 pm!

4.    A 4-day-weekend – What’s not to love about a few work days off every now & then, especially when the only thing on the “to do” list is eat lots of delicious food?!  Sign me up!

5.    New running shoes – I heart my new Asics.  I seriously didn’t curse at myself (in my head) last night nearly as much as I usually do during my workout.  Who knew?!  At this rate, I’ll be purchasing new shoes every few weeks if they make that much of a difference!

6.    Leftover turkey sandwiches on fresh/soft white bread with a mayo, salt & pepper

7.    Christmas music on the radio – even though it was a brisk 70 degrees here today, I really enjoy hearing the sounds of the season coming through my stereo as I drive around town.  I had to laugh today, though, as I was getting out of my car in Bay St. Louis, MS (gulf coast).  The family next to me emerged from their minivan in shorts, flip flops & tank tops as “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot like Christmas” was playing on my radio.  That is what Christmas looks like when you live at the beach, I guess!  Nonetheless, I have been known to whip out a Christmas CD during July – if I’m in need of a little attitude adjustment!  The tunes start earlier & earlier each year, so I have usually hit my quota by December 25, but for now….as we gather together with our families, eat the hell out of some turkey, pull out the wrapping paper & jumbled up Christmas lights – turn it up!  I mean, It is the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

8.    Words I Wish I Wrote: One of my favorite authors, Robert Fulghum, has a book entitled: Words I Wish I Wrote and it’s a complete journal of excerpts, passages, quotes, etc. from other pieces of literature.  I love it 1) because I just love him and everything he writes/says and 2) because this particular book reminds me of so many of my own journals.  I often write on my own; however, many of my journal entries are simply lines taken from favorite poems/books/movies, etc. that move me.  One particular quote that I found recently (in an old journal) came from The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.  This quote spoke to me enough to jot it down for later reflection:

• “…but Sidda was tired of being vigilant, alert, sharp.  She longed for porch friendship, for the sticky, hot sensation of familiar female legs thrown over hers in companionship.  She pined for the girlness of it all, the unplanned, improvisational laziness.  She wanted to soak the words “time management” out of her lexicon.  She wanted to hand over, to yield, to let herself float down into the uncharted beautiful fertile musky swamp of life, where creativity and eroticism and deep intelligence dwell.” 

Thanks for letting me simply be tonight.  Life has been unusually busy (moreso than normal) lately, so I apologize for not checking in more often.  I hope that those of you spending this holiday with family have a great time, eat well & cherish every moment together.  For those of you sticking close to home & tackling the meal on your own - ROCK ON!  Enjoy & appreciate your own space & schedule & not having to share any leftovers.  And, everyone, no matter where you are, what you're eating, or with whom you're dining - please take a minute to offer up thanks for the gifts in your life. 

Happy Thanksgiving Eve, y’all! 

xoxo,

Kim

Isn't She Lovely?

I couldn’t even begin to guess how many times I’ve explained how Sarah & I came up with the names of our boys.  We knew that we wanted to stick with family names, so it was an easy decision to name our first-born twins, Nolan – after my grandmother, Mary Nolan Cantrell, and Becker – after Sarah’s grandmother, Jane Becker Heidelberg.  It was an easy decision because both Sarah & I were especially close to these women.  It was an easy decision because we couldn’t be happier to honor them & let the world know just how important they were in each of our lives.  It was our way of letting them and their spirit and their memory live on forever in a really cool & sweet (and southern) kind of way.  <Kelly was also an easy decision and to anyone who doesn’t already know Kelly is my sister’s name, and Tanner is the maiden name of Sarah’s very special grandmother, “Othermom.”>  But, I usually can’t just end the answer there. I always go one step further to ensure the interviewer understands that Mary Nolan Cantrell wasn’t just a grandma that I was especially close to, but my most favorite person in the entire world.  If a magic genie were to grant me the one wish tonight to have dinner with anyone of my choosing it would without-a-doubt be with my Maw Maw Mary. 

Recently, when I was explaining this to my new friend, Betty (she is Cati’s mother-in-law and was part of Team Diamond Stone), she surprised me by probing further.  “What made her your most favorite person?” she asked as we walked the streets of Atlanta.  I immediately smiled & thought how adorable it was that this peppy, vivacious grandmother (to one Miss Leah Diamond Stone) wanted to know the “secret” that my own grandmother knew.  I’m not exactly sure how I answered her question.  There are a thousand and one ways that my grandma was unique.  There are another thousand and one ways that she loved me and made me feel special and important and significant.  I could answer that very same question every day for a month and probably give you a different answer every day.

The key to my learning here is this: there are no “Cliff’s Notes” to being good at this parenting (or grandparenting) gig.  There’s no absolute right or wrong way to do a lot of things (although I will say that it’s probably wrong to give all three of your toddlers ice cream at 7:30 pm when they’re supposed to go to bed at 8 pm.  I, unfortunately, learned that the hard way last night – when I was home alone with them!).  And, as I have learned through my own grandmother, it’s not necessarily the things you do (or the gifts you give or the trips you take, etc.).  Rather, it’s how you do them.  My grandma made everything fun and made me feel like I was the center of the universe.  And, she did this from her modest 3 bedroom home in Kenner.  The same home that housed her husband and SIX children.  The same home that had one long dinner table in the kitchen (not a formal dining room) and about two dozen chairs – cause it was never just us family sitting down to dinner.  She always had more than enough food for anyone who stopped in to visit or for anyone needing a place to stay or for anyone who was just hungry.  We always ate till our bellies were full, but no fine china or silver were needed in our feast.  Maw Maw made me feel like the most important girl in the world every time I walked in the room.  Her eyes always lit up, she always acknowledged me – even when I was the littlest and/or youngest in the bunch, she always had time to talk and listen to me, and she always, always, always remembered what was going on in my life.  (I would bet that if you asked any one of my cousins about TJ, they’d tell you the exact same thing.  That’s just how good she was!).  And, that’s not just a good grandma, that’s a good friend.  I was so immensely blessed to have her in my life for 32 years.

Mary Nolan Cantrell (whom I, also, adoringly called Maw Maw and TJ) died in 2006.  I was privileged to have the opportunity to speak at her memorial service.  Below is exactly what I said to the friends & family who gathered together to pay tribute to my most favorite person in the entire world.  (Please remember that I was living in Atlanta at the time & none of my boys were even born yet.  She’s now up to 14 great-grandchildren!!)

Today I Am Thankful For:  Mary Nolan Cantrell

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is the meaning of success.”

-       Ralph Waldo Emerson

My name is Kim and I am the third of 16 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren born to Mary Nolan Cantrell.  I am up here today – speaking to all of you about my Maw Maw – because I don’t think it’s enough to just love someone.  You’ve got to tell them how much you love them.  And I know that I did that with TJ.  Since I live out of town, I was not fortunate enough to physically be with her a lot in her last days; however, as often as I could I called & I made sure my mom or an aunt relayed my message of love to her.  On the days when I did not get to speak to my family, I always kept my grandmother close to my heart and my mind.  And I was forever talking to her in my mind, letting her know I was thinking of her & hoping she was having a good day & feeling well.  Today, though, I feel compelled to tell the world – all of you – how much I love her and how much she means to me and just how much I learned from her in the 32 years I had with her.

Anyone who met or knew my grandmother will undoubtedly have a wonderful story to share.  She was the kindest woman I’ve ever met.  She had a laugh that was infectious, a smile that I will never, ever forget.  She loved her family, her friends, good food & a good time.  It was in those moments that we were having the most fun that I learned the most from my grandma.  She leaves behind a legacy of individuals who will not only remember HER, but we’ll remember the lessons she taught us.  She taught me lessons as a child that I take with me now in to the grown-up world I live & work in.

Lessons like how to be innovative.  One day when I was at Maw Maw’s I got the craving for s’mores.  This is a camping staple that my mom introduced me to – subtracting the camp fire & adding a microwave.  We’d use graham crackers, marshmallows and a piece of chocolate and zap it for a few seconds till it was melted and delicious.  The day I was at Maw Maw’s and asked her if we could make s’mores she did not hesitate for one second and immediately answered, “Well, of course we can.”  20 minutes later I was staring at a plate of saltine crackers and marshmallows broiled on top and calling them s’mores.  As I said, TJ was innovative when she needed to be.  And, in case you were wondering, they were delicious! 

Another lesson I learned was how to multi-task.  How did she teach me that lesson, you ask?  Have you ever witnessed someone watch over 6 bingo cards, drink from a Miller Lite pony bottle & smoke a cigarette all at the same time?  And never miss a beat?  I didn’t think so.

I also learned about patience and that it’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.  I learned to be patient and accept defeat because I never once beat TJ at Yahtzee or Scrabble.  EVER.  Even after a night of marathon Yahtzee playing – a night when we’d have to lay a towel on the table to roll the dice on so we wouldn’t wake Paw Paw up – she never felt sorry for me or LET me win. 

Another invaluable lesson I learned was how to share.  I guess you’d figure that would be a forced issue since my grandma’s house was always packed with people.  Whether it was her own 6 children, some of us grandchildren or just friends or other family members, there was always someone hanging around.  As a child I remember spending the night at Maw Maw & Paw Paw’s house and getting to sleep in-between the two of them in their giant king-sized bed.  I felt so safe and slept so soundly – until Paw Paw would get up at the crack of dawn to go to work at the railroad and need his coffee and breakfast.  Spoons would start rattling – his on the side of his coffee cup and Maw Maw’s on the side of the bowl that was mixing together the ingredients for homemade biscuits.  I don’t know how old I was before I realized you could buy biscuits in a can at the grocery store and just pop them in the oven.  TJ always made them herself.  Well, as a young girl there was nothing that piqued my curiosity more than that dough and how fun it looked to play with it.  One of the first mornings I experienced the biscuit making first hand, Maw Maw must have noticed me eyeing her as she was kneading away at the dough, so she offered up a handful.  JUST FOR ME!  She let me help.  And with no expectations or instructions other than to have fun and enjoy the quiet of the morning – before the noise of the day set in.  From that point on, making biscuits with TJ in the early morning hours on Kenner Avenue was one of my favorite things to do – and look forward to – with her.

The most important lesson I learned, though, is that of unconditional love.  My grandma didn’t judge, didn’t question, and didn’t make you work to earn her love & affection.  She just offered it up, freely, with no questions asked.  In a world that can be very lonely and very scary, a world filled with close-minded & judgmental people, I cannot tell you the comfort that a smile, a hug & kiss, and a kind word from someone who loves you just because you’re you can offer.  I cannot tell you the strength you can find in even the softest of hands.  Whether it was in the midst of chaos & noise on Christmas Eve when she prepared a full meal of family favorites for ALL OF US or in the quiet of an early morning, making homemade biscuits, I found solace in her eyes, in her humming a song, in her absolute presence.  My grandma is the personification of unconditional love.

The last time I saw TJ was just a few months ago.  She was in the hospital and I drove in town for the weekend, just to see her.  In the hours I spent with her that weekend, I studied her face, looked in her eyes, held her hand; I told her how much she meant to me and how she helped make me the person that I am today, and – at 32 years old – I crawled up in the bed with her and laid next to her just like I did as a little girl.  I laid next to a frail, weak frame of a body that still – at 84 – was home to a heart & soul as strong as ever.  If Emerson’s definition of success is “to know one life breathed easier because you lived” then my grandmother, my Maw Maw, my TJ is the most successful person I know.  There are more lives that breathe easier because of her.  I know I do. 

xoxo,

Kim

Proud To Be An American

What I Am Thankful For Today:

1) The Veterans of the United States Armed Forces – today is the day we honor all of those who have served, and continue to serve, this great country of ours.  One day to say thank you for the sacrifice, commitment & courage countless men & women have shown in the name of freedom & democracy.  Mere words seem an inadequate attempt to express the gratitude I have for the liberties and independence I enjoy every single day.  Thank you.

The night before the burial of her husband 2nd Lt. James Cathey of the United States Marine Corps, killed in Iraq, Katherine Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next to his body for the last time. The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep, she opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of "Cat", and one of the Marines asked if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept.

"I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it" she said.

"I think that's what he would have wanted".

Not sure what is more honorable: Being married to this faithful wife to the end or the Marine standing next to the casket watching over them both.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

xoxo,

Kim

Thank You, Sir, But I Don't Want Another

So, I have been on & off my computer all night tonight.  I keep going back to it & googling different topics like …”The Kindness of Strangers” and “Motivational Life Stories” and “Paying It Forward”.  Seriously, I have been a crazed woman searching for something (i.e. a good story, a personal account, etc) to reignite my belief in people.  I am a hopeless optimist – and proud of it – but in light of some recent news stories, two specifically: the Penn State child sex scandal and the New Jersey drunk school bus driver, I am feeling pretty low and in need of some “life juice”.  I have tons to be thankful for & shouldn’t have trouble listing a few on my blog; however, I wasn’t “feeling” it tonight & thought that an uplifting story from a google search would do the trick for me and for my blog/gratitude journal entry for the night.  No.Such.Luck.  Yeah, there are a lot of good stories out there in cyber space.  And, I’ve got even more printed & tucked away in my many binders & notebooks filled with quotes & pick-me-up stuff.  Unfortunately, though, nothing I came across tonight moved me enough to think it was worthy of this task.    I didn’t know what I would write.  Then came bed time. 

We have just converted all cribs to toddler beds in the bedroom that houses all three dudes.  You would have thought we moved their habitat to the outdoors and were asking them to sleep amidst gunfire and deadly creatures.  It’s been a pretty wild ride, so far (to say the least).  Late nights.  Lots of crying & whining.  Many trips and falls and stumbles over trains and books and puzzles – in the dark.  Numerous trips to the mom’s bedroom during the course of the night.  And, of course, two very tired moms every morning.

A Few Things I’m Thankful For Tonight:

1) The Lyrics to “You Are My Sunshine” – the song I sang 3,246 verses of, while rubbing N&B’s backs, as they drifted off to sleep – finally!  (K didn't need my backrubs because he literally passed out on the living room floor.  On his stomach.  No pillow or blankets nearby.  Lights on and TV very loud!  Dude lives like a machine and sleeps like one, too).  

You Are My Sunshine

My only sunshine.

You make me happy

When skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear,

How much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away

The other nite, dear,

As I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms.

When I awoke, dear,

I was mistaken

And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine.

You make me happy

When skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear,

How much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

2) A Grandmother-In-Law from Italy Who Lives Around the Corner – Louise (my grandmother-in-law), Charles’ mother, cooked lasagna last night for Helen & Charles (Sarah’s folks & the best in-laws in all the land!).  Helen brought some of the leftovers to us tonight.  I just ate a delicious helping of it – at 10 pm, no less- and gave a shout-out to Louise, from my kitchen table, before I devoured the plateful.  I’ve just got to say, blogging & 3 toddlers really interferes with cooking dinner.

3) Two Buck Chuck – Cabernet Sauvignon – from Trader Joe’s.  Need I say more?  I didn’t think so. 

Although it <always> feels very good to say thank you & show gratitude, I’m not sure that I feel that much better.  I keep thinking back to the stuff I’ve seen, read & heard about the scandal at Penn State.  I can’t get it out of my mind.  I suddenly can’t remember any of the university’s football accomplishments, although I know there were many.  All I can think about are the countless number of helpless “at risk” boys who were taken advantage of by an adult/coach/mentor/friend.  Not only am I not upset that many men lost their jobs, including JoePa, but I also dare you to ask me how that loss compares to that which those innocent young boys lost on that university’s campus with one of their beloved coaches?!  Are you kidding me?  This is absolutely inhumane.  Unacceptable.  Hard to forgive.  Impossible to forget. 

And, then there’s the NJ school bus driver who just got caught intoxicated while driving a bus full of students.  More than 20 children were left in her hands.  More than 20 sets of parents trusted her with their babies.  More than 20 lives could have easily been taken if they – the actual kids on the bus – hadn’t called 911 from their own cell phones.  When taken in to custody she registered more than 3 times the legal limit of intoxication.  And, let me remind you: she was driving a school bus full of children.  Are you kidding me?

I rubbed my boys’ backs as I sang them to sleep tonight.  Not a single one of them is even 3 years old.  They still look to me to keep the scary stuff out of their room when the lights go out.  They still look to me to soothe them when they’re upset, or sad, or scared.  They still look to me for affirmation and acknowledgement and reassurance.  They need me to reconnect toy trains that come apart from their engines.  They need me to fix snacks and pour juice and flip pancakes and change diapers and read stories and kiss injuries away.  They need me to sing the ABC song and practice “Itsy Bitsy Spider”.  They need a lot from me and I am willing to oblige.  ‘Cause you see, I want so much more for them. 

I want them to grow up as polite and considerate boys.  I want them to become charming & thoughtful men.  I want them to be grateful and happy and healthy.  I want them to smile a lot and laugh even more.  I want them to cherish their friendships and adore their family.  I want them to be confident and self-assured.  I want them to know, without a doubt, that they can do anything they set their mind to.  I want them to know that there’s nothing they could do – or not do – that would ever, ever make me not love or stop loving them - unconditionally.  I want them to know there’s nothing they can’t tell me, no matter how scary or bad or hurtful it seems.  And, I want them to know that as long as I am here, they have an ally. 

I want all this, but then there are headlines like Penn State Sex Scandal & Drunk School Bus Driver.  How does this hopeless optimistic remain hopelessly optimistic?  How do I let these three little creatures, who move me to tears daily, out in to this scary, unforgiving world?  

This is when I need a Pay It Forward kind of legend to surface.  This is when I need a Motivational Moment.  This is when I need a Chicken Soup for the Soul tale to reassure me that there are very good people out there.  And that there’s room in this world for 3 more very good people. 

Just you wait, world.  They’re coming…they’re just off in dreamland right now.  Their mom’s horrific singing of “You Are My Sunshine” put them to sleep!!! 

We Are Family II

 Many thanks to Kim for inviting me to post on her fabulous blog. I’m not sure I can live up to her thoughtful, moving, eloquent online legacy. Kim always has a poignant quote or motivational tidbit on hand. I love that about her. But I am so not a Chicken Soup for the Road Less Traveled and the Women Who Love Them kind of girl. I’d watch a Housewives of Anywhere before a Lifetime movie any day of the week. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had to take to the bed after a particularly sentimental Folger’s commercial. And if Sarah McLachlan doesn’t stop with the animal commercials, I may have to open a vein. But try as I might to get all lovey dovey about my brothers, it probably won’t work. Just know that I adore them and think they’re pretty awesome. I’ve always thought it would be cool to have a sister, but I’ve never once wished I had a sister instead of my brothers. And not just because I’d have to share a room if there had been another girl in the family.

Did you know that I have FIVE brothers? Yep. You don’t know some of them, and quite frankly, neither do I. It’s all a post for another day (maybe when the theme is “What the hell is up with that?”). But meanwhile, I can introduce you to three of those brothers and the life lessons they have taught me.

Charlie. If you know Charlie, then you know at least one funny story about him that includes some sort of mischief or debauchery. I swear, you do. Think about it. I’ll wait….. Aha! You’re laughing right now, aren’t you? You know who’s not laughing? The neighbor who found him sleeping on her porch early one Sunday morning. Or the waiter from the night when Charlie insisted on ordering corn and crab bisque for every single one of our six courses. Or probably any of his high school teachers. Or that police officer. Or the other one. But he makes me laugh. A lot. Charlie has (sort of) calmed his wild ways, but he still has an enviable “it’s all going to be okay” attitude. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Realize that yeah, that last red bull and vodka was probably overkill, but whatevs. Charlie has always made me feel better about facing challenges. It is going to be okay. If you’ve got your peeps, you’ll get through the gross stuff, and you’ll forget about whatever was such a big deal back in the day (case in point: as I write this, Charlie is not still grounded). And he’s always been one of my biggest supporters. He probably should’ve spoken up when I decided to rock the asymmetrical hairdo, but that’s just one of the hazards of unconditional love.  People don’t tell you when you look like a jackass. I envy Charlie’s ability to quickly sort out the stuff (and people) that matters and not stress about the nonsense. He is a loyal and successful businessman. He is always there for family and friends. And you should see his abs these days. What the hell? No one our age is supposed to be so in shape. Charlie is smart, funny, loyal, and a great dad. I am lucky to have him as a brother.

My brother Mikey has taught me to appreciate life and not just because he has almost ended mine on numerous occasions. Mikey has always been what one might call adventurous. The day the shrapnel from a pipe bomb crashed through our den window just inches above my head, I had a few other adjectives I might use to describe Mikey. But there’s no denying he tries to live life to the fullest, a life where expectations are mere suggestions and rules are meant to be broken. One of the things I love about Mikey is not that he can do anything he sets his mind to. Rather, it’s that he does everything he sets his mind to (and somehow gets other people to pay for it). He has been a stuntman and a paramedic. He has traveled the world and contemplated becoming a priest. He has been hit by a car, held up at knife point in Mexico, and survived about a year in the hospital with a chronic illness. He has jumped out of countless airplanes and propelled down 20 story buildings. Like on purpose and stuff. He speaks Spanish and has been a translator for numerous medical mission trips. He roasts coffee and is already an accomplished photographer after taking up the hobby a couple of years ago. You know what I did today? Took a shower and folded some laundry. Mikey’s adventurous spirit and individuality inspire me. They don’t inspire me to jump off of anything besides the couch, mind you, but it’s hard to think of Mikey and think “I can’t.” Mikey is talented, passionate, adventurous, and unafraid. I am grateful that he is my brother.

Tanner’s mom married my father out of the kindness of her heart about 12 years ago. The next year, one of the funniest dudes on Earth was born. I don’t know if it’s because his mom is funny and my dad is, well, my dad (again, another post for another day, perhaps when the theme is “Cocktails at Kindergarten”) or if, as my aunt believes, he was sent here by our grandmother Eloise Tanner Stanton (Othermom) who passed away shortly before Tanner was born—to keep us laughing. Either way, I’m thankful Dad kept procreating long past what is appropriate for someone his age. Tanner collects deadly exotic creatures like scorpions, snakes, and spiders. And he knows all there is to know about said creatures. In fact, he knows a lot about a lot of things. He’s wicked smart. I think his first words were, “That’s a lovely chandelier.” Don’t even think of challenging him to Wii Tennis. Mikey and I made that mistake once. We were up past 3 in the morning trying to beat Tanner. He doesn’t even have to look at the screen. I think he was making himself a grilled cheese at the same time, blindly lobbing the ball past us. Eventually he was begging to go to bed, and we were sweating and cursing and demanding “one more game!”  I couldn’t lift my arms for 2 days, and my dignity has yet to recover. Tanner is even more accomplished in Tae Kwon Do. He goes up against kids much bigger and much older than he is and not only kicks a few asses, but maintains his composure and focus at all costs. For those of you who don’t know the Stantons, this is HUGE. Most important to this sister is his willingness to take a stand when it matters…and his love of pizza. He recently sent around a petition at his school, hoping to replace Domino’s with Pizza Hut as the pizza vendor of choice. Here’s his petition with his classmates’ signichers [sic]:

 By all accounts, his activism is paying off. The students of The Joy School in Houston, TX are soon to be liberated from the chains of gross pizza. Tanner is sensitive, dedicated, compassionate, and a very authentic guy. Thank you Baby Jesus (or Othermom) for sending him to us.

The Cleavers we ain’t. But that’s the best part. I love my irreverent, wildly different, hilarious brothers. I will gladly sit at the kids’ table with them for as long as they’ll let me.

We Are Family

 “To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.” ~Clara Ortega

Today I Am Thankful For:

1) My Sister – I don’t remember life before my little sister, Kelly, was born.  Granted I was only 4 ½ when she entered this world, but I do not have any childhood memories that stand out pre-kid sister.  Story goes that I actually named Kelly.  Charlie’s Angels was my favorite television show at the time (1978) and when my parents informed me that our baby was a little girl I immediately selected Sabrina as her given name.  Kate Jackson was THE BEST Angel - everyone knew that – except my parents!!!  Somehow, Sabrina Crimmins just didn’t sound angelic enough to my folks, so they told me to try again.  Jaclyn Smith was #2 in line (clearly Farrah’s stunts didn’t impress me enough), so Kelly was officially named.    

My sister & I are quite different, my Mom will be the first to tell you that, but despite our differences we have been thick as thieves from the very beginning.  Oh, yeah, over the years we fought & screamed & cried & locked each other out of our rooms, but more often than not we were each other’s companion during some memorable times. 

* It probably began for me when she arrived home from the hospital.  I have a photograph from that very day framed in my bedroom.  It shows my baby sister, swaddled up in a pink satin nightgown & matching blanket, being held by me, the confident big sis, wearing hand-me-down boy pajamas (thanks Ge!) with Mighty Mouse all over the pants & button-up shirt.  And there it began.  I was smitten with this chubby-cheeked, brown-eyed baby girl, Kelly.

* I remember her baby dolls: Cindy I, Cindy II & Christopher.  I wasn’t really in to dolls that much, but I reaped the benefit of having a sister who was…a lot of baby doll birthday parties that included homemade cupcakes and sometimes, even, a real cheesecake (Kelly’s favorite)!  Who cares if I had to wear a stupid pointed happy birthday hat (that kind with the annoying string that fits tightly under your chin) or if Cindy I/II had just had a birthday two weeks ago?!  Strawberry Cheesecake on a Tuesday afternoon…yes, please!

* Kelly was scared of the dark.  She had a double bed in her baby blue bedroom & I had a single bed in my bubble gum pink bedroom.  Our bedrooms were side by side and across the hall from our parents.  No one could take a step without it waking up the entire household.  Nonetheless, she was still afraid of sleeping alone in the dark.  Did I mention that I sorta was too?  Nope.  And, it didn’t matter cause I stepped up & acted as a brave, older sister should.  I climbed in to her big bed every night and slept in her room instead of my own.  I mean, I didn’t want the kid to lose sleep over something so silly, you know?!

* At that time her favorite books came from The Berenstain Bears collection.  I would read those to her every single night till she fell asleep.

* My parents were absolutely amazing at playing Santa Claus.  They’d hide presents & send us on scavenger hunts.  They’d leave notes FROM Santa to us.  They always, always, always pulled off the surprise.  So, when I found out the truth about Santa I was absolutely devastated.  It had been so incredibly fun believing.  I was so grateful that Kelly was still so much younger & would still be believing for a while longer.  If she believed, then I got to “play along” and still believe, too.  Can I tell you, I vividly remember the night, years later, when she told me that she knew the truth about Santa?  I couldn’t believe that our fun & years of pretending/believing were over.  I remember leaving her bedroom after she made that announcement and going to my own room & shutting and locking the door behind me.  And, I cried.  I was so sad and remember recognizing in that moment that we were growing up.  Some things would never be the same again.

* Every time I got in to trouble, Kelly was always there as my peace negotiator with Mom.  I really owe her a lot for this.  <Please note that Kelly never needed me as her peace negotiator because by the time she got to high school my parents were clearly worn out & tired cause SHE NEVER GOT IN TROUBLE!>

* More than anything, though, my fondest memories will be of the times we share now.  As adults.  As moms of twins.  As best friends.  And, as lovers of Miller Lite.    One of my favorite places is in her backyard, at night, sitting beside her fire pit with a cooler of long necks and nothing to do but talk.  And we’re very, very good at that. 

* My sister is the kindest person I know.  I admire her so much for that.  I strive to be more like her.  She’d give you the shirt off her back.  She’d rescue every stray animal off the side of the road.  She’d give you the last dollar out of her wallet if it meant better things for you.

* My sister is the most generous person I know.  She never shows up without something in hand, whether it’s a Rt. 44 Coke Zero from Sonic for you or 3 pair of pj’s for your boys, she’s so incredibly thoughtful.  Again, I strive to be more like her. 

* I could sit here tonight & write a short novel about funny or unforgettable events that my sister & I have shared together.  Instead, though, I will say to the universe – THANK YOU!  And, thank you, little sister for the story hours, for the baby doll birthday parties, for all the refereeing between Mom & me, for believing in Santa, for watching my lip sync concerts & telling me I looked like I was really singing, for letting me sit in the front seat even when it wasn’t my turn, for visiting me at USM & letting me visit you at LSU, for standing by me and up for me when I needed unconditional love more than ever, for letting me stand next to you when you married Chris “Milkshake” Talbot, for loving my boys and, especially, letting me name my baby boy, Kelly Tanner, after you, and for being the type of woman, person & friend I strive to be every single day.  You make my life better because you make me better.  I love you. 

xoxo,

Kim

 

No Pain, No Gain

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. --Cynthia Ozick

Today I am thankful for:

Cullan, my personal trainer – Maybe it’s because I just thoroughly savored every bite I took of a slice of Holy Shitake! pizza from Mellow Mushroom.  Maybe it’s because I cursed him terribly (in my head) last night when he told me to do walking lunges AND squats – both with weights.  Maybe it’s because he’s 22 years old, about 8 ft tall, has not an ounce of fat on his body, was a 4 year starting baseball player & does ab work with me – just for the fun of it (you know, since he’s already worked out today & done his own set of death crunches).  Whatever the real reason, today I am thankful for my adorable personal trainer, Cullan.  He & I started working together when I solicited the help of a trainer to help me get in better shape for the 3-Day walk in Atlanta.  When I explained to him what I was doing (60 miles in 3 days to raise money & awareness) he acted as if I had just spoken to him in Japanese, a language for which he is not fluent.  I felt the same exact way when he explained to me that I would have to run a mile’s worth of wind sprints on the indoor track.  No comprende.  Really, he’s exactly what I needed in my workout life right now and I am so thankful for every ache & pain I feel right this minute because of him and those damn lunges & squats. 

Happy Friday, y'all!

xoxo,
Kim

Pigskin & Poetry - A match made...where?!

"If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily."  - Gerald Good

Two things that I’m thankful for today:

1. Fantasy Football* – My sweet, noncompetitive Dad has been playing this game for years with some of his college buddies & my uber-competitive brother-from-another-mother, Tom (aka my work husband) played the whole time we worked side-by-side in Atlanta.  From these two guys I learned enough about fantasy football to know 1) how to play and 2) how much fun it could be, so I decided last year to join some of my friends (husbands) and have my own team.  <I knew this was a good idea because only cheering for the Saints isn’t good for my heart (amount of close calls or games that come down to the wire), stomach (amount of worrying during each game) or liver (amount of beer consumed during each game).  The only other team I am hopelessly devoted to is The Miami Dolphins.  It was in the 80’s that I decided that tangerine & aqua were a fabulous color combo.  It was, also, in the 80’s that I had a poster of Dan Marino, the hall of fame QB from the Dolphins, hanging on the wall of my room - not because I thought he was cute, but because I wanted to throw a football as perfectly as he did!  These days, Dan is a spokesman for NutriSystem weight loss & the dolphins have yet to recover from his retirement.  Hence: I needed to start paying attention to some other NFL teams!>.  Unlike my Pop, I am very competitive so I bought numerous magazines, found websites and read up & studied players like I was, actually, a team owner preparing for draft day.  My team name was The Fat Frogs (because Kelly attended the 1^st draft party with me and at 4 months old, when you changed his diaper, his legs folded up & he looked just like a fat frog).  Season #1 was um, let’s say, a learning experience.  I learned that I need players with more damn experience if I’m going to win.  Basically, we got our butts kicked!  But that did not deter us from sharpening our skills in the off-season.  We came back this year with a vengeance as The Angry Fat Frogs!    I went in to the draft party with my game face on & notes in hand on every single player I was even remotely interested in drafting.  Not only did I have a plan, but I had backup plan to back up my backup plan.  And, guess what?!  I am currently tied for 1^st place in my league.  Yippee!!!  Honestly, it’s not about the winning….oh, who am I kidding?!  HELL YEAH!  It’s about kicking the boys’ butts up & down the football field.  And the $500 prize for 1^st place!!!  So, here’s my starting roster.  If you find yourself bored with a game this Sunday simply because “your” team isn’t playing, keep an eye out for one of these fellas. Yell & cheer them on for me.  Cause if they win, I win.  And, if I win, then we all win.  And that’s what it’s all about.  There is no I in TEAM, is there?

The Angry Fat Frogs (2011)

QB - Matthew Stafford – Detroit Lions

RB – Arian Foster – Houston Texans

RB – Fred Jackson – Buffalo Bills

WR – Roddy White – Atlanta Falcons

WR – Wes Welker – New England Patriots

WR – Hakeem Nicks – NY Giants

TE – Antonio Gates – San Diego Chargers

Defense – NY Giants

K – Stephen Gostkowski – New England Patriots

* Fantasy football is an interactive, virtual competition in which people manage professional football players versus one another and that allows people to act as general managers of a pseudo-football team. The players that an individual is able to manage are professional American Football players in the National Football League. The different actions people are able to make are: drafting, trading, adding/dropping players, and changing rosters. Due to the growth of the Internet, fantasy football has become far more popular in America today than ever before. In the last few years, it has become a growing phenomenon.

2. My favorite poem – Being the unabashed optimist, I fell in love with this poem the first time I read it.  We’ve been going steady ever since. 

Hope is the Thing with Feathers

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-      Emily Dickinson

xoxo,
Kim