Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending – Maria Robinson
There’s a funny commercial that aired during the Superbowl a few years ago advertising monster.com (which is a website dedicated to helping job seekers find their ideal job). The commercial shows a series of children making different “When I Grow Up” statements that are absolutely hilarious. “When I grow up I want to claw my way up to middle management.” “When I grow up I want to have a brown nose.” And, the statement that literally spoke to me: “When I grow up I want to be a yes man.”
For the greater portion of my life, I was a yes (wo)man. I spent 26 years being what & who everyone else wanted me to be. As a child, I made straight A’s, followed the rules, said please & thank you and never broke curfew – all because I had to be the perfect daughter. That neurotic & exhausting behavior followed me out of my parent’s house in to my college dorm where I had to be the best friend, then to work to be the best employee, etc. All the while, I was going through the motions of being someone I was not. I felt like I was changing masks not daily – but hourly. I did this for so long, without even thinking about it because it just seemed the right thing to do. I had never rocked the boat or gone against the norm, so it was unfathomable to me to attempt it. But, at the age of 26, something snapped and I made a life-altering decision that changed the game for good.
Just a short 12 years ago, my life was quite different than it is today. From the outside looking in, it seemed as if I had the world in the palm of my hands. I had everything you’d expect should make someone happy: a nice house, a great job, money in the bank, vacations every year, a companion who was kind & generous, a future that was promising in every way. I mean, it was perfect, right?!
Well, as difficult as it may be to understand, life was far from perfect for me. Inside me, down in my soul, there was a longing, a nagging emptiness that had been growing stronger & more hollow as the days/months/years passed. I had spent my entire life living up to expectations I felt that everyone had of me. I would make decisions based on what I thought I was supposed to do – not what I wanted to do. I was incomplete. I was so lonely & incredibly sad. A part of me was hurt & disappointed in the people I had been living for; the same people whose expectations drove the decisions I made for my life. Why didn’t they realize what I feeling? Why didn’t they know that I was hurting? I was literally begging for someone to recognize it and say it out loud. Desperate for someone to say it’s OK, and you’re OK and life is going to be OK.
But, that never happened. So I kept on going through the motions. I literally put time lines on everything. I would tell myself, “Get to the Christmas holidays. They always make you feel better.” And, then, “Hang on till the ski trip. You’ll love that! You will feel so much happier” And, finally, “Run the marathon. That will distract you.” These diversions only lasted for so long.
It wasn’t until the day (when I was home alone & had been crying) I went into the bathroom to wash my face & looked in the mirror that I decided to do something. I didn’t even recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. That person was not the Kim I was destined to be. At that moment, that life-altering & precious moment, I made the first decision for me. It was the first time I had ever put my wants & needs before everyone else’s. And it was the most empowering moment – and decision – I have ever experienced. Knowing I had finally mustered up the courage to live life for me freed me from the chains that had held me down for so long.
Now, let me make this clear: the decision to come out as gay did not come without pain & hurt. Life did not magically become a beautiful bed of roses (and rainbows) with Ellen DeGeneres & Melissa Etheridge knocking on my door. My family was initially hurt & confused. The precious person to whom I had committed my life was absolutely devastated & sad. Some friends were upset & felt betrayed. It took a lot of heart-to-heart conversations that were often difficult & emotional. And, it took time. But, as it always does, life goes on. And things got better. I wish I could say to you that I didn’t lose some friends along the way, but I did. I wish I could say that some of the people I counted on the most weren’t the ones who broke my heart the most, but they were. But, that’s OK. That was all a part of their journey. I have remained steadfast in my decision.
This life is mine & mine alone. I am so glad I realized how profound that statement is before my life totally passed me by. Just think about what all I would have missed out on if I hadn’t…I wouldn’t have Sarah & my 3 boys, I wouldn’t have the countless new friends I’ve made since coming out, I wouldn’t have a special story to share with others feeling scared, lonely or confused, and most importantly – I wouldn’t be me. The me that is absolutely happy, content & comfortable in my own skin today.
What I am the most thankful for today and every day I wake up is this: the life I am living today. It is the way that it is because of me. And no one else. Yes, there were many dear, special friends who helped me through tough times & encouraged me & stood by me. But it was solely the courage & desire to LIVE that brought me here.
And you – you reading this – you have that much power, too. We each have the unyielding strength to literally change the course of our lives in just a moment, in a decision.
Now your life changing decision probably won’t include a closet like mine did. It might, however, involve an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Maybe it involves a dead-end job. It could be about losing weight, going back to work, starting your own business, picking up a new hobby. Whatever it is, you have to know that you and you alone are strong enough and smart enough and courageous enough to do it & persevere. If I did it, then you can, too.
One of my favorite words is AUTHENTIC. If you look it up in the dictionary, you’ll find: “1.not false or copied; genuine and original, as opposed to being a fake or reproduction.” How cool is that? So cool, in fact, that authenticity is a trait or quality that I admire the most in others & strive daily to remain committed to myself. Because at the end of the day, even though I have faced challenges & struggles; even though I’ve lost friends who couldn’t accept the real me; even though the world is still trying to test my patience & forgiveness (by continuing to allow politicians & so-called religious leaders to demean me & my precious family) – I can & will get through it because I am living my life honestly.
And that’s it. That's what I am most thankful for every single day. It's the story of how I got to where I am today, but I can promise you this – I am not done yet. I’ve still got a lot of living to do and a lot to accomplish in that time. I’m trying to change the world one person at a time.
And tonight I’m going to start with the three little guys calling my name from the play room.
My challenge to you: Go be. And be whoever you are. Just be you.
“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin
xoxo,
Kim
PS – if you or someone you know is being bullied because you're/they're gay or if you or someone you know is having a hard time, is feeling depressed, is considering suicide because you're/they’re gay or lesbian please inform them of the "It Gets Better Project". It's an AMAZING campaign spreading hope to countless individuals who absolutely need to hear & believe: It Does Get Better.
Check out their website: www.itgetsbetter.org but don’t forget the tissue. You’re definitely going to need it.
Awesomely authentic story, Kim.
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